I have heard many times that we see how we get old on our kids. I am not so sure about it. I see my kids as they are everyday and I am not seeing how they are growing. I am taking their development as natural way how we all learn. I do not see how they grow. I am getting used to their height as they grow slowly everyday. I am not computer to see such difference over the day.
But what I realize that I see how I am getting old on the way I accept death. I am not scared from dying. Do not take me wrong. I see it as a natural process and when it should come it will come. We cannot do anything about it. Ok, maybe it is also a bit influence by me chronical illness and the everyday pain. You cannot be afraid of something what will stop your pain. How sad.
When I was small I did not understand what does it mean to pass away. Small kids do not understand such transcendental stuff. When I was let's say 20 or 25 I took it as absolutely correct and natural part of life. What I was angry about was when somebody was killed or died for no reason, or too early, due to some disease, including mental diseases.
When I was about 35, I realized that people can really suffer of pain and loneliness, and sometimes death can be really relief. I mean especially if you are believer. Maybe even not that. But still I realized that I miss the people, that I started to feel grief, sadness and I have realized how life can be fragile as the glass or Christmas ball.
Now I see the pain and relief at the same time. I see how people are dying for no reason, for disease and I am questioning whether we could prevent that. How we live, how we react, how we reach the people who needs it. I see how people in my age are dying and how death is affect my life, my attitude. I like to live in present and I do not want to expect anything in my future, because you really do not know what is behind the corner. Of course I am not speaking about the normal plans. But my expectations is just more real.
The really horrible thing on all those things, when you are only waiting for death. I am in active age, sitting and having pain all around the body. Not all, only exactly one half of the body and realizing that the only sure thing in my life is the death.
Have a nice day!!
But what I realize that I see how I am getting old on the way I accept death. I am not scared from dying. Do not take me wrong. I see it as a natural process and when it should come it will come. We cannot do anything about it. Ok, maybe it is also a bit influence by me chronical illness and the everyday pain. You cannot be afraid of something what will stop your pain. How sad.
When I was small I did not understand what does it mean to pass away. Small kids do not understand such transcendental stuff. When I was let's say 20 or 25 I took it as absolutely correct and natural part of life. What I was angry about was when somebody was killed or died for no reason, or too early, due to some disease, including mental diseases.
When I was about 35, I realized that people can really suffer of pain and loneliness, and sometimes death can be really relief. I mean especially if you are believer. Maybe even not that. But still I realized that I miss the people, that I started to feel grief, sadness and I have realized how life can be fragile as the glass or Christmas ball.
Now I see the pain and relief at the same time. I see how people are dying for no reason, for disease and I am questioning whether we could prevent that. How we live, how we react, how we reach the people who needs it. I see how people in my age are dying and how death is affect my life, my attitude. I like to live in present and I do not want to expect anything in my future, because you really do not know what is behind the corner. Of course I am not speaking about the normal plans. But my expectations is just more real.
The really horrible thing on all those things, when you are only waiting for death. I am in active age, sitting and having pain all around the body. Not all, only exactly one half of the body and realizing that the only sure thing in my life is the death.
Have a nice day!!
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