Written mostly the day before everything went wrong
I will write something really personal today. I am actually quite scared about it. What some people will say. I have to be careful what words to use. It is not simple to write in English about any deeper thoughts. I am not finding correct nice words.
But let's try.
I am recently dealing with really deep grief. I lost someone, or I would prefer to say we lost someone, because I am not the only one who lost her. She was our light, helping us in whatever situation. It was such a big shock in such a short time. It feels like someone pull out my heart and smash it. Actually that is the reason why I have started to write my blog. I was told independently from many sources to start writing. So, I have started. I don't think it will lower the grief, but it can help me to take a control of my own life.
The problem is that stress is one of the factor which flares lupus and scleroderma. So, it is really important to lower level of stress. Which feels like real mission impossible right now. I don't even care. The outer pain is reminding I am still alive and the inner pain is paralysing me. I believe that if the soul hurts, the body hurts as well.
When I have lost someone before I felt it as a natural flow of the life. Of course I was sad. But you cannot fight with the life. In this case I am not able to go over it. I don't want. As it got stuck inside me, the body reacted by pain. As the pain increased, I started to get more exhausted, and I am not able to react to the ordinary life correctly. And as I am not able to react correctly, I feel even more lonely, more depressed, and body pain develops with even more intense pain. I am on the sliding track, in the tighter and tighter circle. I can hardly breathe.
I am sad because she will not see my kids growing, she will miss every single moment in their life. I know that it doesn't matter. But I will miss she is not here and I will miss it. Kids will forget. I will try to remind them, but it will be rather imaginary person for them. I am not sure. I don't want to think about it. As nobody expected this, I will never be able to learn how to make her sweet cheese pie, or how to knit according to her. We planed the first holiday with the kids this summer. Well, I am not going anywhere. Nothing will ever happen.
I am having terrible nightmares, and I cannot sleep. One reason is pain and rheumatic disease, another is medication. But the real problem is this, what I was talking about.
I have to stop writing here, because another chapter has started on Tuesday evening. Everything flared ... But only one thing to add. I do not give up!!
Have a calm weekend!!
I will write something really personal today. I am actually quite scared about it. What some people will say. I have to be careful what words to use. It is not simple to write in English about any deeper thoughts. I am not finding correct nice words.
But let's try.
I am recently dealing with really deep grief. I lost someone, or I would prefer to say we lost someone, because I am not the only one who lost her. She was our light, helping us in whatever situation. It was such a big shock in such a short time. It feels like someone pull out my heart and smash it. Actually that is the reason why I have started to write my blog. I was told independently from many sources to start writing. So, I have started. I don't think it will lower the grief, but it can help me to take a control of my own life.
The problem is that stress is one of the factor which flares lupus and scleroderma. So, it is really important to lower level of stress. Which feels like real mission impossible right now. I don't even care. The outer pain is reminding I am still alive and the inner pain is paralysing me. I believe that if the soul hurts, the body hurts as well.
When I have lost someone before I felt it as a natural flow of the life. Of course I was sad. But you cannot fight with the life. In this case I am not able to go over it. I don't want. As it got stuck inside me, the body reacted by pain. As the pain increased, I started to get more exhausted, and I am not able to react to the ordinary life correctly. And as I am not able to react correctly, I feel even more lonely, more depressed, and body pain develops with even more intense pain. I am on the sliding track, in the tighter and tighter circle. I can hardly breathe.
I am sad because she will not see my kids growing, she will miss every single moment in their life. I know that it doesn't matter. But I will miss she is not here and I will miss it. Kids will forget. I will try to remind them, but it will be rather imaginary person for them. I am not sure. I don't want to think about it. As nobody expected this, I will never be able to learn how to make her sweet cheese pie, or how to knit according to her. We planed the first holiday with the kids this summer. Well, I am not going anywhere. Nothing will ever happen.
I am having terrible nightmares, and I cannot sleep. One reason is pain and rheumatic disease, another is medication. But the real problem is this, what I was talking about.
I have to stop writing here, because another chapter has started on Tuesday evening. Everything flared ... But only one thing to add. I do not give up!!
Have a calm weekend!!
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