Lately, I didn't have very much time and mood to write anything about my life, or health. The truth is that everything got much worse. Instead of finally coming out from the bad spiral, I am coming into much tighter and heavier spiral. I can already see the end line. The more I try to get up, the more I get on my shoulders.
Recently I have found that my disease has spread. Generally I knew about the inflammation but it took quite long time for doctors to find it out. It was so simply visible on MRI. But the process was quite long and painful. I was told many times that there is nothing wrong with me and I have to just exercise more and loose some weight and also to work on my head. Everybody especially from non medical environment was telling me that it is only in my head, that I am completely ok. Great, now I can say, that they were not correct. And what can happen is that soon I can be on the wheelchair. Sometimes the day is better but many days is just the same. Cannot move, having a lot of pain.
I am trying the heal or to relax through the art. I am creating earrings, pictures, necklaces, whatever comes to my mind. People seems to like it. But that it is again the problem. This is maybe nice work but nobody pays me for that. I feel like total looser who is playing instead of the real work. And nobody can give me any advice how to solve the situation. Sometimes I feel that it would be really much more simple if I do not exist. The feeling that it is me who is bringing the whole family to the deep hole, is absolutely terrible. I need to work, but on other hand I am not able. To go through all the system is really difficult. I feel trashy.
Recently I have found that my disease has spread. Generally I knew about the inflammation but it took quite long time for doctors to find it out. It was so simply visible on MRI. But the process was quite long and painful. I was told many times that there is nothing wrong with me and I have to just exercise more and loose some weight and also to work on my head. Everybody especially from non medical environment was telling me that it is only in my head, that I am completely ok. Great, now I can say, that they were not correct. And what can happen is that soon I can be on the wheelchair. Sometimes the day is better but many days is just the same. Cannot move, having a lot of pain.
I am trying the heal or to relax through the art. I am creating earrings, pictures, necklaces, whatever comes to my mind. People seems to like it. But that it is again the problem. This is maybe nice work but nobody pays me for that. I feel like total looser who is playing instead of the real work. And nobody can give me any advice how to solve the situation. Sometimes I feel that it would be really much more simple if I do not exist. The feeling that it is me who is bringing the whole family to the deep hole, is absolutely terrible. I need to work, but on other hand I am not able. To go through all the system is really difficult. I feel trashy.
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