I am not sure even where to start. It has been long time when I wrote any article for both of my blogs. Not that I wouldn't have topics, but rather I have been struggling with time and pain.
Time, is something I prefer to spend on my kids. Well, sometimes I just need to do that without any question what I really want to do. They are on the summer holiday. I feel strange being on sick leave and not really having job and explaining why my kids (6 and 2) are in the daycare. So, I have taken the challenge and decided to keep them at home while their regular daycare is closed. I am not sure whether it was so clever idea. We do a lot of things, we have just returned from the week in different city, doing new things. But the other thing is pain and stress. I do not like changes. I had enough changes in my life. And I do not simply like them. I like clear safe life when I know what to expect. I think I am not the only one. The stress is bring me additional pain, pain is bringing additional stress, and here I go again in the circle. Clearly not ending the best way. And as a mother I am not having the best environment, neither my kids. What to do with stressed out mum. Why the kids would need to listen to screaming mum. The anger doesn't do anything with them, it is rather shouting for help. I do not want to make a suicide or to end my life, I just want simply end the never ending pain. Please understand this. Depression caused by pain is not my failure. Anxiety is due to my pain and me being imprisoned in this body. I am grateful for my life, my kids, for any better day or moment, but sometimes is enough. Right now I am fighting with a pain. I am doing crazy things which I cannot even tell. Because simply I am getting crazy. Sorry for that. Sometimes I know that they are doing things just worse.
I am not sure how to describe anxiety. You can find the definition yourself but it is much more complicated to describe how you really feel. And it is important to say that again it is not my fault and it is not simple to fight with it. You cannot just say from now I will be ok or I will react logically. It doesn't work like that and the fight doesn't work without it.
I had quite bad experience from the last week. I have experienced verbal sexual abuse. I was with kids and I was hurt, I was ashamed, I was scared, I got terrible panic, and I was anxious. I wanted to hide, disappear and just simple I didn't want to exist. I couldn't even cry, I couldn't express my feelings. Normal person would either go over it, call a police or kick the person into the his ass. I couldn't. I feel terribly. I see I am not here only for myself but also for my kids. And my fear of the unclear black case scenarios took its place.
And I am not saying how my nightmares got worse. I am killed, or attacked by so many times, kids taken away and I cannot protect anything and anyone. I wake up completely exhausted.
They can steal or hurt my body, but not steal by soul. They can hurt me, but not my attitude. It is just so hurt to get up. I can see that I am magnet for certain people because I do not look confident. I am showing my weakness.
What I have learned as well, that I do not make to do list of my life or to make it for someone else because it doesn't make sense. After I die I will disappear with my life anyway. And what more I feel I will do my to do list of my life nothing will be left and I will need only to die. So better to leave the things open.
Let's continue next time. I do not want to stop, because I want to open questions every parent, or woman, or anyone have but do not want to speak about.
And btw. I do not care how many friends did I lost because of my blogs, I care about my friends which I got due to being open :-).
Time, is something I prefer to spend on my kids. Well, sometimes I just need to do that without any question what I really want to do. They are on the summer holiday. I feel strange being on sick leave and not really having job and explaining why my kids (6 and 2) are in the daycare. So, I have taken the challenge and decided to keep them at home while their regular daycare is closed. I am not sure whether it was so clever idea. We do a lot of things, we have just returned from the week in different city, doing new things. But the other thing is pain and stress. I do not like changes. I had enough changes in my life. And I do not simply like them. I like clear safe life when I know what to expect. I think I am not the only one. The stress is bring me additional pain, pain is bringing additional stress, and here I go again in the circle. Clearly not ending the best way. And as a mother I am not having the best environment, neither my kids. What to do with stressed out mum. Why the kids would need to listen to screaming mum. The anger doesn't do anything with them, it is rather shouting for help. I do not want to make a suicide or to end my life, I just want simply end the never ending pain. Please understand this. Depression caused by pain is not my failure. Anxiety is due to my pain and me being imprisoned in this body. I am grateful for my life, my kids, for any better day or moment, but sometimes is enough. Right now I am fighting with a pain. I am doing crazy things which I cannot even tell. Because simply I am getting crazy. Sorry for that. Sometimes I know that they are doing things just worse.
I am not sure how to describe anxiety. You can find the definition yourself but it is much more complicated to describe how you really feel. And it is important to say that again it is not my fault and it is not simple to fight with it. You cannot just say from now I will be ok or I will react logically. It doesn't work like that and the fight doesn't work without it.
I had quite bad experience from the last week. I have experienced verbal sexual abuse. I was with kids and I was hurt, I was ashamed, I was scared, I got terrible panic, and I was anxious. I wanted to hide, disappear and just simple I didn't want to exist. I couldn't even cry, I couldn't express my feelings. Normal person would either go over it, call a police or kick the person into the his ass. I couldn't. I feel terribly. I see I am not here only for myself but also for my kids. And my fear of the unclear black case scenarios took its place.
And I am not saying how my nightmares got worse. I am killed, or attacked by so many times, kids taken away and I cannot protect anything and anyone. I wake up completely exhausted.
They can steal or hurt my body, but not steal by soul. They can hurt me, but not my attitude. It is just so hurt to get up. I can see that I am magnet for certain people because I do not look confident. I am showing my weakness.
What I have learned as well, that I do not make to do list of my life or to make it for someone else because it doesn't make sense. After I die I will disappear with my life anyway. And what more I feel I will do my to do list of my life nothing will be left and I will need only to die. So better to leave the things open.
Let's continue next time. I do not want to stop, because I want to open questions every parent, or woman, or anyone have but do not want to speak about.
And btw. I do not care how many friends did I lost because of my blogs, I care about my friends which I got due to being open :-).
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| Have a nice day!! |
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